Hello, my Darlings!
This week’s post will be short and sweet. I have been otherwise occupied with my career and health- all good things, no worries- but it hasn’t left me a ton of time to sit down and ruminate on something iconic to write about.
My boyfriend gave me a bit of inspiration today when he sent me a text that said:
“It doesn’t upset me, because I have always imagined a very confident love that can withstand distance and keep space for the art that is made.”
(Yes, he is always this deep and poetic, and yes, I am constantly swooning.)
He said this in response to a minor breakdown I was having regarding the possibility of us spending another three months navigating long-distance because of our careers. It is a stark reality that we face, as artists and performers, that success is inevitably accompanied by travel and transience. It is the nature of what we do. Nothing is permanent. And, in my opinion, that is part of the beauty of it.
However, it can make navigating a long-term, stable relationship a rather difficult task. I have been in multiple relationships (and witnessed multiple relationships) that have deteriorated as a result of the distance that is imposed by this career. It is hard to prioritize a relationship when our work demands so much of our focus and our work is typically accompanied by travel, which causes distance, which is a major obstacle to connection. What makes it even more difficult is that, for the most part, work and travel are two of an artist’s biggest passions… So how can there be room for it all to coexist? I have long wondered whether it is even possible to balance a happy, healthy relationship with a thriving, active career in the arts…
I think that when we begin to pursue an artistic path- we are often taught that we will have to make many sacrifices for our success. We will have to prioritize our dreams above all else; above the desire for money, security, stability, and even love. To do otherwise means that we just don’t want it badly enough, and therefore, don’t really deserve to succeed. I remember hearing many times that the worst thing I could do as a woman pursuing a career in the arts would be to “give up on my dreams and settle for a man.”
While I understand the sentiment behind this warning, I think that it set a dangerous precedent. The way I interpreted it was that, in order to be successful, I would have to forsake romantic love. I began to see love as an imminent threat to my career. I went into every relationship armed and ready to defend my independence and artistry to the death. I was committed to cutting off anyone who even thought about questioning my decisions when it came to accepting work, regardless of where it took me or for how long. Compromise was a slippery slope on the way to failure, and so it was never an option.
What I have learned since, through years of experience, is that relationships only become dangerous when they are built on a love that needs to possess and control in order to survive. These relationships cannot thrive in an environment where one partner finds success that doesn’t involve the other. The idea of one person leaving to explore a passion outside of the relationship is seen as an imminent threat because the relationship only works when both people are entirely reliant on one another for validation. This is how one partner’s decision to accept a contract or an offer turns into an attack on the relationship instead of an opportunity for celebration and growth. It can be taken personally and seen as an example of their lack of love or care, or even as an act of abandonment. But these reactions come from a place of wounding, not from a place of love.
Personal success and distance aren’t the reason these relationships break down, they are simply the catalysts that expose the cracks already in the foundation.
Something that I wish I had known then was that it’s okay to want both a successful career AND a lasting, loving relationship. I wish I had been taught that it was, in fact, possible to have both. I wish I had known that Love would never ask me to give up on my dreams. Love would never keep me from my career. Love would instead push me to succeed, and Love would be waiting for me at the finish line.
Before today, I had never heard someone use the term “confident love”- but I think that this may be what he meant. There is still a big part of me that doubts; that recoils from the thought of trusting that what Clayton and I are building will not be shaken by our individual success. It goes against everything that I have seen and been taught to believe. But, I know that we have both done a lot of work to ensure that we are approaching our relationship from a much more secure place than I have ever experienced before. We are learning how to show up for ourselves first, and that allows us greater freedom in being able to show up for each other.
We are building a “confident love” - and maybe, just maybe, we really can have it all.
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I love you all.
Keep the faith, and I’ll see you next week.
-Ellie